There is always more that we can do. There is always more to say, at the end of the day the sun always sets just a little too early. 

But I have learned so many streets in this city over the span of a year. Driving down roads recognizing places that were new a year ago, it’s all starting to come together now.

And the early setting of the sun just makes a hug that much more precious at the end of a long day, and beautiful music these days takes all the fight there ever was out of my beating heart. 

I’ve lived by the sea, and deep deep in the desert, by rivers, and in the middle of prairies and cornfields on the outskirts of cities. I’ve known a quiet like no other, the rush of water, ambulances at 2 am, and the hum of cicadas tucked into hardwoods. I’ve slept in deep heat, and tucked myself into the cold. Im 23, and I’ve driven all over this land, and I’ve learned that yes, to be seen is to be loved. To be heard is to be cherished. To live in a state of wonder, is to know joy. 

“I want you to be happy here, what can I do for you?”

“I’ll fly in this weekend if you need me.”

“Call me whenever, I’m here for you always.”

“How have you been?”

If you wake up in the early morning, it’s like taking a plunge into cold water to start your day. You wake up and everything’s dark and quiet. You tiptoe around your house, trying not to wake anyone up, splash your face with some water, put on your shoes and while you’re still trying to wipe the sleep from your eyes you’re outside and you’re running, or you’re biking or walking or whatever you do at this hour.

When I moved here, I remember sitting on the windowsill with the window open, watching the sunset. Despite all that was unsure, I was excited to see how the light changed throughout the seasons. See, I’ve never known a winter outside the Midwest. I’ve never seen the leaves change somewhere new, or what it feels like on that first warm spring day outside of Michigan or Illinois. 

For the first time, perhaps ever, when someone asks how I am doing, it is incredibly hard to smile and say “I am good.”

Instead, I long to say “My body does not agree with how I wish to move it. I am living in a state 16 hours by car from the nearest person who knows me as me, as the girl I have always been, and 32 hours from the place where all my friends are going”

My brain goes quiet when I drive. When I drive, there are no options. There is nothing else I can do except drive and soak in all my surroundings. Presence overtakes, and my thoughts untangle.

I think a lot about a lot of things, but mostly, I think a lot about time. It is part of the business of being a writer. You feel every second in its passing, because that is where you draw inspiration from. I often find myself pondering where I was a year ago, what has happened in between then and now, and where I will be a year from now.

Welcome! I’m so glad you’re here. If you are reading this, thank you. This website and this blog has been something I have wanted to do for a very long time.